Oh.
Incidentally, i joined up with a gym during the weekend.
Long agonizing (and expensive) decision but will make the best of it.

The Japanese visitors from the art museam finally left and the last couple of days have been a whirlwind of work and entertainment (dinner, dinner and more dinner). I seldom reached home before midnight and after the shower and winding down, it was just mere hours before i have to be up and working again. Not a good way to spend the last couple of days, especially when work is piling up like nobody's business. I will be dead by next thursday, i promise.

From the previous list of things to do, i have only managed to complete 8 progress&goals reports, 1 assessment report, 1 interview and 1 assessment (new, popped up nowhere unexpectedly). Way way WAY below what i should have completed by this time. I am contemplating skipping a couple of film fest movies over the weekend but i know i wouldn't. Ah. I will manage somehow. Some at least would be done, but how, i cant, for the life of me, imagine right now.

Terribly sleepy for the moment because after Tibet: Cry of the snow Lion last night, i had to wake up at 5 this moment to send the visitors off at changi. Not terribly impressed with the movie, maybe because i fell asleep midway, but it seemed quite lopsided to me. In any case, the film has a specific agenda and it was very clear as to what it was. Anyway, it felt like an over-extended documentary that we would never get to see on Arts Central. That said, i am, however sympathetic towards their cause and cry for democracy.

Other films thus far...

Parasite Dolls: OK anime but unimpressed with the storyline.

The Barbarian Invasions: Touching and funny. But totally not how i expected after reading the sypnosis (perhaps was expecting something less "linear"). Still good movie which will probably come out commercially.

Wheel of Time/Pilgrimage: Came out with tons of things to say about the Dalai Lama. Felt "cheated" for the folks who prostrated 3 years to reach gaya only to hear that most activities have been cancelled. Ironically, a year later, the Dalai Lama performed all the rites in Austria which he couldn't (didn't) in Gaya, India. Ok OK, don't lambast me for being critical. Cry of the snow lion showed off another side of the Dalai Lama and the only thing i will say now is that i am more impressed by his political views/leadership than his religious one.

Other than these thoughts, yours truly is almost certified braindead and will have to go conduct training for teachers in 2 hours time while pretending to be conscious. A mightily near-impossible effort. Wish me luck. Or perhaps, wish the trainees luck. Usually, my tolerance for stupidity falls a couple of notches when i am tired. The teachers got a whiff of that last week when some smartass made a couple of idiotic comments during the session.

Sigh.

Well, at least i am still surviving.

I have not been doing anything but working and working and working.
No time to blog.
No time to read.
No time to go to the movies.
(Film fest don't count because they are starting to feel like work too).
No time to meet friends.
No time to call up friends or sms.
(Damn excuses).
I have no idea where did my time go
except that i am fast running out of them.
Fast running out of energy
and patience.
44 more projected goals and progress reports to go.
4 more assessments report to go.
4 more interviews with parents to go.
I need to go
somewhere
soon.
To go.

You people out there.
Survive well too okie?

I am very very very tired.
So tired that it's hard to express just how tired.
So tired that my sentence will just end...
here.

Looks like there are a couple of rough patches floating in fellow blog realms.
Wish could focus more but...
I got swept along.

Program for FilmFest 04

1) Wheel of time (16/04/04 9:15pm Jade1)
2) Parasite Dolls (17/04/04 4:15pm Prince1)
3) The Barbarian Invasion (18/04/04 2pm Prince1)
4) Tibet: Cry of the Snow Lion (21/04/04 7pm Jade1)
5) The Tulse Luper Suitcases (24/04/04 2pm Prince1)
6) Young Adam (24/04/04 7pm Prince 1)
7) Jesus, You know (25/04/04 7pm Jade1)
8) Osama (29/04/04 7pm Prince 1)
9) Since Otar Left (30/04/04 7pm Prince1)
10) The Missing (01/05/04 2pm Prince1)

Was totally depressed on Good Friday and stayed in bed most of the day.
Well, except for the hour between 1-2 where i attempted to cheer myself up by eating sushi.
Not that it did much good because realized i have forgotten to bring my phone out so couldn't eat my lunch in peace.
Rushed home and zonked out again.
Only after much cajoling from him, managed to drag myself out from bed to make my way to his studio space and go for late dinner.
He has been really patient with me and tried to cheer me up though i have no idea what's bugging me.

Saturday was better.
Spent it at the studio where i completed a still-life and a rough sketch of him working at the table.
Had a short nap inbetween on the woollen ikea rug we bought.
Meet up with gpa, lainey and shan to buy groceries as lainey did us the honours by cooking all of us dinner.
*yum* Thanks lainey!!
Menu: Pasta, grilled veggies, baked rosemary chicken and wasabi cheese (ermm.. it's an acquired taste).

Sunday!
Woke up early to send my colleague off at the airport.
Had a nice leisurely breakfast at east coast park then R&R for the rest of the day.
Mood: Much much better.

I wonder was it me or him who jokingly said that i have predisposition towards Christianity because i got depressed on Good Friday when Christ was crucified and got more cheerful for no reason on Easter Sunday when Christ got resurrected.
Hmm.
I think i am the one who came up with this warped idea
He attributed it to PMS.

Finis, apparent on an earlier page,
With fallen obelisk for colophon
Must this be here repeated?

Death has been ruefully announced
And to die once is death enough,
Be sure, for any life-time.

Must the book end, as you would end it,
With testamentary appendices
And graveyard indices?

But no, I will not lay me down
To let your tearful music mar
The decent mystery of my progress

So now, my solemn ones, leaving the rest unsaid,
Rising in air as on a gander's wing
At a careless comma,

Leaving the Rest Unsaid by Robert Graves

So much things i want to say but didn't.

I am quite tired today.
Very lethargic.
Suffering from inertia.

Randomly selected one of my archives and read through some of my past drivels.
At times feeling ambivalent.
At times, a spark of something i don't want to remember.

I am okie.
Just lethargic.
And very tired.

A very very good girlfriend of mine is having her engagement dinner today with her and her fiance's parents.
All the best girl.
Treasure each other.
Looking forward to giving you angbao on your wedding.

*HUGZ*

If i hear just one more time, when i am asked what i do for a living,

"Wow! Does that mean you can read people's mind?"
or
"Hey, do you know what i am thinking now then?"
or
"Heh heh, are you going to come after me with a chopper in my shower?"

I am going to throw up on his/her lap and excuse myself politely after that.

Repeat after me...
Psy-Cho-Lo-Gist.
Psychologist.
Not Psychic.
Not Psycho.
Psychologist.

I don't read people's mind (like some cheap party trick).
I cannot, for the life of me, fathom what a simple mind (one who cannot differentiate between psychologist and psychic) like yours would be thinking about (i am so tempted to insert something rude here).
AND
I do not have a habit of chopping people up just because they make such duncical remarks (but oh yes, have i ever been tempted).

As to what do i really do as a psychologist... well, i shall leave that to another post when i am slightly more lucid and less livid.

Experience is not letting your cat jump onto your lap with his nails uncut while wearing shorts.
Indulgence is allowing him to do just that despite all the previous experiences of scratched thighs.

The "D" key on the keyboard is feeling a bit funny.
Feeling quite awkward while typing it.
I hope i don't have to get it replaced or something... *frowns*

doh dopey diddle daddle dwindle doopy dope drats!
diddle doo da day
doh doh daddy doo da diddly doo
dum dum daddle dub dub doowah

Yaps.
Funny "D" key.

I love to drive with music blasting on the radio. I am not expert in music and do not have much preference except that they must have a strong and infectious beat (which could be anything like outkast or *gasp* britney). I don't pay much attention to the lyrics and switch from channel to channel (913, 933, 950, 980, 987 etc etc) just to skip anything with too much conversation. In the event of that there's nothing interesting on, i would revert back to my trusty CD collection which varies from 70s chinese oldies to grunge punk wannabes.

I drive like the music that i am listening to. Fast and furious (not to the point of reckless) for fast music and slow and relax (suitable for viewing scenaries) for the slow songs. I guess there are different music to suit different purposes for driving. It was a most horrific time for me when i was driving through Tasmania with virtually no music in the car (didn't bring any CDs and bad reception on the radio). I was feeling extremely frustrated and short-tempered while driving and has a tendency to feel sleepy (i used to be able to drive for 2-3hours if i have music on). It was also very hard to relax without music and i was quite tensed most of the time. In any case, i only started to enjoy my driving holiday once the music came back on.

Realization no. 57:

Friends do come... and go.

I realized that i have not updated my links for the longest time.
Not because i don't want to but rather due to the anal-retentive side side of me which strives to make everyone's nick fit into 4 letters.

Guess i am not employing my mental capacity to good use.

The goal: 10 movies for the filmfest.

The reality: Sounds like a potentially tiring, though admittedly enjoyable time ahead.

Is he 'The One'?
I guess he is 'The One' for as long as the moment last...
and i do intend to make that moment last for eternity.
After all, don't we all just want to believe that at the end of the day, we all gave our best, regardless of outcome?
I shall take it as it comes.
But yes, for now, and hopefully for a long time yet, he shall be 'The One'.

Okie you. Stop laughing okie?
*chuckles*

I think over the past 3 weeks or so, my blog has been peppered with mushy little posts about him.
So here is another one.

Last couple of days i have enjoyed myself going out on "dates" with him. We didn't do anything interesting, just spending time going out, marketing, having dinner, breakfast, drinks and doing normal everyday things, just the two of us. There is an air of contentment all around and it was really nice to hear him say that he enjoyed doing these things with me while out one day having dinner at arab street. We chatted and laughed and occasionally fought (or as he said, agreeing to disagree). And just last night, we didn't really talk as we sat in his studio painting (me doing it badly and him faring quite well) though occasionally he would pop his head over to help me with mine. It was comfortable and a nice end to a long day. I think finally, we are both emotionally equal partners, as we were in many other ways.

I guess that's what i meant about me being able to see myself going home to him everyday for the rest of my life, as naive as that sounds.

Colleagues and close friends had remarked that i can "talk alot". I distinctly remembered hidden mirth of laughter over a dinner with colleagues when i said that i should learn to speak up more. That's a little perplexing because while growing up, my parents had always complained that i am like an oyster, tightlipped all the time. I guess i grew up with the self-image of a rather quiet girl.

As of how i usually deal with interesting paradoxes, i presented this case to him and asked him for his opinion. He carefully said, "I think you are _opinionated_".

Righttttt.... and that means what, i asked him. Then he said something rather interesting.

"I think you only speak alot when you find someone worthwhile to speak to"

Hmm... for some reasons, that sounds remarkably flattering.

The choice between cat and dog.
No contest.
Definitely, a cat.

Despite all the good things that is to be said about having a dog (faithfulness, unfailing attention and love, blah blah blah), those are the exact things which i cannot really deal with in a pet. I wonder if it is my personality to view unerring devotion with trepidation rather than accepting it wholeheartedly. Perhaps i am really a pesismist (or realist?) since i find having something or someone constantly putting you on a pedastal and thinking that you are his everything (source of food, companionship, love etc) very frightening and unreal because, at some point in time, i might not be all those things to that something/one (whatever).

I guess i just can't believe that i would ever live up to that expectation. Hence it is ultimately pressurizing to have a dog, emotionally at least. Now, a cat fits me well because it only demands my attention sometimes and i can live with it dumping me aside whenever it feels like it. I am free to be on my own too whenever i want to without feeling bad not playing with it sometimes. Of course, the basic needs of food and shelter and being a responsible pet owner are all met since that's the bottomline of pet ownership. But if it is the quality of the interaction we are talking about here, then i rather prefer the companionship of a cat than a dog.

Likewise in my relationship, i would much rather have an equal partner (e.g. a cat) than one where i am constantly worshipped (e.g. a dog).

Does that make any sense?

:)

Him: "Your cat is very smart leh."
Me: "huh? Why?"
Him: "He can speak a foreign language."
Me: "What?" *flabbergasted*
Him: "Ya, you don't know meh? He speaks 'Bird' also"
Me: *Blink hard*
Him: *With a straight face* "Ya. I heard him just now"

In case you think that he is totally insane, let me clarify. My cat speaks 'Bird' if you considered 'Bird'-talk constitute of little mew/yelps my cat makes whenever he sits down to do some bird-watching at my balcony door. I am not sure if the birds understood him or vice versa but he looked like he is having fun "communicating".

While listening to "Vincent" being played at the lobby in Esplanade, i have lost connections to the material world for a few minutes. I am sorry to say that for a few minutes, everything else including you was cut off from me and that i was quite happy sinking into that sublimical music. There is just something about live instrumental pieces that gets to me, that holds me in my tracks trancelike while the world revolves around me.

Something new happens everyday...

In the 3 odd years working as a psychologist, i have experienced many "difficulties" and "injuries" while working with the children. I have been kicked, pushed, tripped, thrown things at, spat at, hit and shoved at. Once i even had my wall maimed when a child thrown a table at it and made a big hole in it. But today is the first time i have been *seriously* bitten by one of the older child (i.e. stronger) on my wrist. The last time, a smaller child bit me on my thigh but though my thick denim skirt so no serious damage was done. This time round, damage assessment had me with a swollen right wrist (why? why always my right hand??) with deep teeth marks and it is starting to hurt like hell though i didn't feel anything when it happened. I suspect the whole thing will turn purple soon.

I got bitten while trying to stop him from hitting his head (very hard) with his two hands and he was also starting to bang his head on another child. Not being new to the job, i did try to take the necessary precautions like stopping him from behind instead of the front (more target area will present itself you see) but i didn't realized that he was much stronger than some of the other children that i had and feeling extremely frustrated at that moment (that always lends more strength to the child) so he bit me while i was trying to pin his two hands down from hurting himself and then he refused to let go. I didn't feel anything at the moment though the teacher was rather shocked. It was tough getting to child to let go of my wrist when he was biting down with all his strength and frustration, and i had to press down on his lower jaw and telling him firmly to stop it, before he let go. The teacher tried to help but it was also quite difficult for him because i was stuck in a rather confined space with the child. Ah I guess that's what you call occupational hazard?

Wrestling children to stop them from hurting themselves, others (myself included), and destroying property is part of the job i guess, though i am thankful it is not a daily occurance since the main point of professional help is to stop such episodes from occuring in the first place. But, there are unforeseenable instances like this one occasionally. Still, nothing a little antiseptic cream and plaster doesn't fix. *grins*

I don't think i am prone to depression or negativism though people have called me a optimistic pessismist (or was it the other way round?). The only time i have ever been clinically depressed was 2 years ago. I exhibited the usual symptoms (well, i ought to know since i studied it) but never to such an extend that i am not fully aware what i was doing (I was depressed not delusional). I could have killed myself but the fact is i did not and looking back, i don't think i would have ever done that to myself. I guess no matter how low i feel, i would never feel quite as low as what alot of other people go through. I am not saying that i know exactly how depressed people feel because i think everyone feel things differently and need help in different ways. But ultimately, i feel that people who are depressed (myself included) needs to be helped in whatever way in which they can be helped.

Society can be remarkably cruel in this day and age in the way it stereotype people who suffers from one mental incapacity (or do they think deficiency) or the other. I wish i could tell everyone to sod off because it was none of their business but then i would really be delusional if i think that would make a dent in their social facade. The only consolation which i tell myself and offer to others is that I, and many countless others, who are all part of the social fabric, don't give a damn if someone do seek professional help for whatever help they need and would never give them shit for doing so. The cons of that is of course, i am not any bigwig that can affect much change in general.

Hey... I think the sun is shining outside.
Shall we go out?

Well, i was sort of pondering about the meaning of life with a towel wrapped around my head when i realized that it is not doing much good... so decided to tease my cat, reply my smses, read Anna Karenina for the umpteen time and wait for the meaning of life to hit me whenever it is convenient.

In the meantime, happiness seems like it is here to stay for a bit so i will be contented with its company while it is here.

Hmm.

Life smells pretty good for the moment.

Smells? Ya.
*take a deep sniff*
Like freshly brewed coffee, toasted kaya bread, baby power, old books, clean sheets and the botanical garden after the rain.

I felt like i have lived a year in the span of a month.

I never though being 28 would be this tiring...

So it was...

She never thought she would enjoy going to a new junior college after the first 3 months. She knew in her heart she was a geek, despite all that she tried to do to appear... well, cool. She wanted a good start so she permed her hair for the first time when she was 16. A not-altogether successful attempt in her opinion because she promptly cut it off after a few weeks with the word "aunty" deeply imprinted in her mind. She made few friends because she felt awkward speaking to people she just knew. She has never been sociable or gregarious, even in the security of her old secondary school. She has the habit of walking to classes alone and sitting with the few people she knew well. She tried to follow what was taught but she never thought that it would be so tough, to be in one of few top JCs. She didn't think she would be able to cope. Eventually, she settled in and felt comfortable in her little circle, laughing aloud and trying to have "fun", as what teenagers her age were prone to do. She developed crushes on boys which were a whole new experience for her after her 4 years in a girls' school. She did the usual walk and glance routine for the boys she liked, her friends nudging and laughing at her sides. It wasn't meant to be anything serious because she knew she could never approach any of them nor did she believe for a second that they would be interested in her. That was how JC was supposed to be.

She met him in one of her classes. An unassuming sort of boy whom, though did not possess the hearttrob boy-band sort of cuteness, had great big eyes that sort of make one smile if they looked a little closer. She thought he was a geek, like her. He sat quietly most of the time with the other guys in class, tucked away in the corner where people would not notice. She didn't either, not in the beginning. Two people, tucked in their own worlds in the opposite ends of the classroom.

When did their line of vision cross, she did not remember. But she began to knew more of him, from his exhibitions and from what others said in passing. "Not quite like me then" she thought to herself. Yet he wanted to be her friend, that she remembered smilingly. She couldn't quite fathom why he would asked her out but he did. It was a time of 'first times' for both. She still could not believe how she almost shouted "just us?" when he asked her out that first time on the bus. It was a mistake and a movie she could never forget.

It was a movie and no more though they remained friends. For her birthday, he gave her an umbrella with happy birthday written in chinese on it. She laughed and laughed at the geekiness of it all yet she never stopped using it. For his birthday, she gave him a paper owl hanging ornament. She never knew what he thought. As days passed and amount of work grew, she continued being a nobody with her small circle of friends and trying to survive school while he continued to win prizes and write love poems.

It was, after all, a time for 'first times' for many.

At the risk of sounding really corny...

I really love him and have never stopped loving him, despite hating myself upon occasions that i do.

Ah well.

You silly bugger.

*smiles*

I love to drive.

There is this one stretch along the the ECP (from Changi towards the city) after the Tampines exit, where the trees along both side of the roads are particularly thick, which always makes me smile whenever i drive through it. There are days when i would deliberately drive through that stretch in one of my aimless "wanderings" late at night. I love it most near dawn or in the evening because it never fails to remind me of a mysterious forest from one of Grimm Brothers' faily tales. I usually feel calm as i watch a deep purple river flows through the top of my windscreen, broken only by thick dark green branches against the night skies. I cannot fully describe how it looks like on paper, i could only say that for the span of 30secs before that stretch of road ends, i could think of nothing else but the beauty of that road.

Well, regardless of what i said about the PB grade i got and how i feel about it, I think YOU deserve what they have given you. It doesn't matter why and amidst all the speculation, I for one would not think you stay because of money. Oh come on, it is not like they are giving you millions. *grins* Incidentally, i realized for other civil "servants" (i.e. teachers), a grade C in PA means 1 month bonus. So, take your PB and go be nice to your friends!

Caught Last Life in the Universe on Monday.

Another movie i thoroughly enjoyed for its cinematography and quirkiness. Was a little bit tired and feeling bogged down just before i watched it so left the movie with fewer than my usual rantings.

Some disjointed views...

I thought the movie ended rather optimistically and my heart actually lightened at the ending, despite the fact that the protaganist was sitting in his underwear, in a tiny interrogration cell with his hands cuffed and all his possessions laid out in a line before him. From the start, Kenji was a depressed and suicidal man, whom despite his can't-complain comfortable physical environment (e.g. steady job, nice apartment etc), continually seeked to end his life (which fortunately or unfortunately gets thwarted every single time at the most crucial moment). His inner consciousness was filled with negative images (usually with him dead). So despite all that he has going for him, he has no ability to feel anything other than emptiness. Yet at the end, he fell in love, stopped being totally anal and his last thoughts were strangely 'normal' images of the meeting the girl in japan and filled with hope and optimism. So even though he may be 'realistically' in a worse shape (possibly jailed) and almost definitely not be able to find the girl again, I felt that he has been liberated and i felt happy for him because i know with hope and the ability to feel, he would never try to kill himself again.

I think i would preferred to be free in my mind than to be free physically if i could only choose one.
When you are set free within your inner consciousness, it doesnt matter where you are, you will always be free.

For you (when listening gets too tough, and all you can do is read).

Perhaps to many i sounded harsh and cool.
But i assure you, you are worth more than you think you are.
Don't say sorry.
Don't say thank you.
Say that you will be ok.
No.
KNOW that you will be ok.
You are here for a reason, for you are part of the reason I am here too.
Never think that you shouldn't be.
Don't worry.
Don't worry about getting lost, for one of us will always find you.
Never assume for other people what they think and how they feel.
You are not them.
Never let them tell you that they know how you think and how you feel.
They are not you.
Listen because you want to.
You have to want it before you can have what it is that you want.
Don't give up on yourself... none of us have.
No one owes you anything and you don't owe anyone anything either.
Love yourself above all else... it is ok to be selfish too.
Take care of yourself... and also let yourself be taken care of.
Be good to yourself... and let others be good to you.
Don't judge yourself.
Ignore those who do.
Take a deep breathe.
It is only today that matters.

*hugz*

������ģ��Dz��Ǿ͵��ڲ����ڣ�
Ҳ��ֻ�DZ�Ũ����ס��
Ҳ����ɷ�ɰ��������
�ҿ������㣬ȴ��Ȼ�е���ů��

���������- ����

�x�x������
�������һ�����������ҵ�һ�У����Ҹе���˿����ů��ذ���
���dear��лл�㡣

Took out the Ki system thingy because:

a) its too long
b) everyone else's look exactly the same

Ah well... I think those by quizilla are at least nicer to look at and shorter to read, though are hardly informative.

He got himself a studio space with a couple of friends down in little india and we are in the process of "decorating" it (if you consider his plastic carrefore trolleys idea a decorating effort). I guess i have fantastical (is there such a word) ideas which he had to constantly pull me back into reality by reminding me it is a "work space". I guess functional is the key... but still, it doesn't hurt if we can make it look "nicer" right? Anyway, despite our "decorating differences" i pretty much enjoy going to ikea to bum around looking for impractical things. Last night got a work table (actually its a dining table) at the bargain corner for only $40, as well as a dark shower curtain for $15 (retail $25) for the window. I would have preferred something more "airy" than a plastic one. See how his mind work? Plastic trolleys and plastic curtains *shudder* perhaps we should have gone for a plastic "mod" look instead (yes yes yes, it is ONLY a work space). But he needed something that can totally block out the lights when he do his animations (but still cheap enough to afford). Yay! I can't wait for him to get started on his animations again. It is about time he get his butt cracking though i know it is hard to do so with a regular job teaching so many students. Hopefully with a real work space, he can get down to it again.

Well, tonight will go down to ikea again to buy the cushions and shelving units. I think the rest of the knick knacks i can supply from my house. Think i also have a chair unused lying around somewhere. Will also move my oil painting stuff there and get him to move his easel over when we move his computers so i can start painting again.

Its the holidays and been at work everyday typing and typing reports (with the occasional yahoo gaming). Ah well, at least the school is quiet and peaceful, can't say the same for next week when things kick back into the high gear once the kids come back. Supposed to rearrange my office but got stuck in the rut in the ideas department. Have absolutely no clue how should i rearrange the furniture. Some practical constraints needed to be worked out first, such as get a longer extension for the lan cable. Anyway, today i am on half-day off to run some errands (e.g. send car for servicing, buy batteries for my dad, go to ikea to buy some furniture) and all i want to do now is take a nap. That's how i feel on days that i am tired, it is like i have not shaken of the feeling of being enveloped within my cocoon of duvet and pillows. The touch of the bedsheet and duvet cover still lingers on my skin in an invisible cloud. I guess i am still half-asleep or half-awake, depending on how optimistic you are feeling right now.

I realized i am too responsive to the things around me and as i become older, the less able i am to mask my feelings. I am too sensitive. Too emotional. Too easily hurt. Though some may feel otherwise. It has become harder and harder to not let things affect me and i am really looking for a safe haven where i can just be free.

The 3 day staff retreat was a rollercoast ride for me and very very tiring. I went with pretty high expectations and was sent crashing to reality on the very first day after the ED's speech. But the good thing is, at the end of the retreat, i felt rejuvenated again and i sincerely believe there is a fighting chance for this organization to undergo necessary changes to become better. I am glad to have a chance to meet and talk to people i normally have no chance to meet. And i am especially touched by my principal's gestures to make me feel better after i shared with her my feelings after the first day. It was good to know that my committment and passion for my job has been taken seriously. The saving grace also came when the ED sat in in our department's discussion on the last day and i could see that she genuinely likes to resolve the current issues revolving around our organization. That dissipated my original disillusion that nothing will be done to invoke the necessary changes. Perhaps the best thing that came out of this retreat is knowing that there are no enemies except for those you made yourself. I think i am ready to tackle whatever that is necessary head on and feel comfortable in the department again.

On a personal level, i am very happy to made new friends (e.g. Fiona, the new OT) and get to know my "old" friends better. Angela has been a great roomie with her abundant packets of tea and milo. And i had a great night on sunday where a few teachers gathered in our room to play silly games and laughed our head off. I think nothing beats having a sense of belonging with the people you work with and enjoying what you do. I am quite ready to work towards a better organization because all these people (from ED to HOD to teachers to friends) matters to me A LOT. So i guess i am staying put here for a while more.

That said, I still wish you all the best IF you decide to go Pathlight but only if they can make you laugh like the way we do over here in RC. *smiles*

Its been a busy week at work, mainly trying to tackle million and one things at the same time because term is ending end of the week. There are teachers to see, parents to talk to and reports to complete. Deadlines are building up and projects to see through. That said, i am still having fun and feeling pretty charged up. There are things i want to see done and done well. Tomorrow is the staff retreat in JB and after the results of climate survey, it looks like it will be an interesting retreat. I guess along the way, the organization has gone off the path and lost its way and its people. But hopefully with this retreat, we can start off on the right foot again. This has been a great place to work for me, and i really hope that it will become a great place to work again. Well, i am optimistic and i know it sounds arrogant, but it has become sort of a personal mission for me to try to make that happen. I guess this place means more to me than i show it. *grins*

I am sorry that i am such a quarrelsome (well, you said opinionated) person and you have to put up with that sometimes.

But i am happier now more than ever because i know that even though we disagree or fight with each other, you will always support what i do and that i am not too proud to say "I am sorry" first. I have known that for a long time, i did not care less if i made you sad or angry but now i do care and that makes me happy.

A little topsy turvey i know but well... i think you understand what i am saying.

Welcome home darling.

Do you realized that i am just as you thought i am... a mermaid? *smiles*

��X�����K춱������! *ϲ?�*
�摪ԓ�x�xһλ������... ߀׌���������\��ݔ���A�ĵķ�ʽ...

hmm... ���둪ԓ����ķ�ijɺ����İ�!

You're a mermaid. The stereotypical mermaid had a
long, fish-like tail that blended with the
human torso at the hips and almost white skin
with red hair or some off color like green or
blue. They were the most fantastic singers and
the siren type of mermaids would lure sailors
with their lovely lullaby into dangerous rocks.
They were mostly harmless and peacefull and
they were content to simply sit on the beach
combing their hair or in the water playing with
friends. They never wore clothes and were
always women. They were sweet and a little
deciteful at times. (please rate)


What Mystical Creature Are You? (Pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


Yes yes.. A bit silly these quizzes.. but so addictive! :)

On my birthday, despite no one remembering it at work (well, except angela who already has given me a very nice present *thank you thank you*), i had a good time with him. We had dinner at Al Dente at the Esplanade which offered great views though the service could have been better. I enjoyed the tiramisu tremendously however. I wondered about when my present was going to appear but he kept saying that the dinner was the present. Ha! As if i was only 3 years old. Did he really think i would be fooled to think that my present was a compact swiss army knife he has given me a few days ago? *roll eyes* Actually i half suspected that he was going to "pop the question" and felt more than a little... anticipatory. Eventually, while trying to distract me with the view of the CBD across singapore river, he placed a ring box right infront of me. I didn't know to laugh, to cry or to be anxious. Well, maybe all three things happened. When asked if there was a condition attached to wearing the ring, the sweet boy said "Only if you agree to be my girlfriend forever". So there it is, a little diamond "be-my-girlfriend-forever-love-ring" , now on my third right finger. Afterwards, when asked why didn't he just asked me to marry him, he said he could not be sure if i would reject him. Till now, i am not so sure if i would have said "No" if he did "pop the question". But at least, as i have told him, i can haggle for a bigger ring the next time.

I guess a lot of people have been sort of wondering at my "turn-about" especially with my relationship. At one point, it almost seemed to be "off" when i asked for a 'break' in the beginning of the year to think through my relationship with him. He almost felt that it was the end too. But all i can say is that during the last 2 1/2 months, being more detached from the relationship, i have actually gain better perspective of it. I needed to know if i could spend the rest of my life with this person because at one point, it seemed too impossible because of all the baggages involved. And most of the time, i felt that it was either he was trying very hard to please me or vice versa. I felt drained and confused and very very irritable. In other words, i felt that the relationship was really going to self-detonate at some point. Being constantly together and "working at the problem" (i.e. the root of what had happened between us) only made one of us very tired and the other very insecure. I guess it became hard to tell where one problem start and next problem end. I really needed a time-out. I am thankful that he did give it to me despite his reservations and unhappiness. I know it wasn't easy for him to let go of me a little especially when his instinct was to hold on to me tighter when he sense that i was having problems with us.

In the 2 1/2 months, i have gone out with other friends, talked to them, learned new things, learned more about myself, taking some time off from thinking too much about our problems and just enjoying life, and it has helped me tremendously. I guess i would not have decided on carrying on if i did not have that space to breathe a little. In the span of that time, other friends ran into problems of their own, including one which landed in a similar situation that i was in 2 years ago. After trying to work out their problems, i realized that i am actually over my own baggage. Something i have not really realized while still in the relationship with him because of the intensity which we attempted to "solve" our problem. And when things really became edgy at work, the more i realized that i am more "stable" than i thought i was and calmer. When a friend narrated to me this example, "you can find yourself attracted to a million people for various reasons, but ultimately, the one you will be with for life, is the one you can see yourself going home to every single day", the first person i thought of was him. I truly truly feel like he is the person i can see myself going home to for the rest of my life for many many reasons, one of it being, despite knowing each other for 11 years, dating for almost 6 years and talking everyday, i am never ever bored talking to him. Ever. I don't think i will ever feel quite the same about any other person .

So at this point, i guess i only have one more thing to say...

Mr Wilkie Tan, do you think you can be there for me to go home to every single day for the rest of your life?

Nice things happened on my birthday.
On saturday the 28th of Feb, babes threw me a dinner party which she has prepared and i had an enjoyable time with her, akane and "mommy". Then it was me buying babes and sue teo chew porridge on sunday, another enjoyable evening.

And a great big thank you to my two adorable, suarve, gentlemanly, gracious, handsome, thoughtful, kind, cute, (Hmmm... should be enough already i think), BROTHERS for the lovely daisies they sent on my birthday.

I wish i could post the photo up like last year but i don't have digicam this time round, so sorry bros. But nevermind, i took a few shots on my phone. :D

*peer into mirror*

Strange, i don't feel significantly older.
Better still, i don't look significantly older.

*heh heh*

Ok Ok computer still not fixed!
Sorry to all that i have infected or tried to infect.
Am going to seek professional help.
:(

This is the bloody critter that has infested my laptop at home...
*grrrrrrr*

w32.bizex.worm

Congrates to my youngest brother on graduating from university!

What my weekend really concluded with wasn't more smses... but a virus in my computer. Now my icq keep sending that same bug to people on my contact list (my apologies to all) and i keep getting disconnected from icq server.

*curse curse curse*

It is a horrible weekend when you hear from your friend about their r/s problems.
Worse still is when it sounded so similiar from what you have been through.

Damn. Why am i talking in the 3rd person? Ok.. What i have been through then.

I wanted to help but i know i am probably biased in my opinions because i feel for the party who may be dumped though i can understand the rationale behind why the person is doing what he is doing.

It is a horrible weekend when things i shouldn't know, i had to find out. And when i do, it struck me that i have no idea how to really deal with it. Sometimes too much relevations may not necessary be a good thing. If only i had been able to let go of not knowing all the facts. But i know i can't. It sadden me because despite being assured it wasn't my fault, somehow circumstances to me as such, make me feel that it is partially my fault. I just wish for everyone to be happy. I don't consciously try to make people like me though i enjoy the feeling of being likable. Yet, i didn't expect that it would become such a difficult thing. Now i just feel like hiding in a hole somewhere.

It is a horrible week when you insist that i talk to you when i am already feeling drained and tired and maxed out. When i am already feeling guilty enough that i couldn't see you for the past few days. When the last thing i need is to talk about what was wrong when all i wanted to do was hole up somewhere to digest what had happened, what i have seen and what i have heard. All i wanted was to talk to you in my own time when i am ready, for you to trust me that i will when i am ready and for you to be supportive in the meantime. What i don't expect is for you to tell me that i could only do so in a time convenient to you, which is now and that next week you "have a lot of work to do". All i can say now is that i am so disappointed in us, that you have made an otherwise horrible week, even more that i can bear.

If the whole world has not gone incredibly mad, then i think i have.

I'm sleepy again.
Went marketing in the morning and now i want to take a nap.
Yawns.
So much to do though.
Need to do the posters for the retreat
and look through cookbooks for inspirations...
having a potluck for tomorrow's farewell party in school.

I'd say, sort out your personal relationship problem first before bringing in another person into the equation.
What is it about humans and their egos that they have to know that they are being admired?

I have been offered a training course in North Carolina for 2 weeks in July-August.
I guess i am both happy and unhappy about it.
Happy to finally be offered
yet unhappy that the nomination came from someone else other than my own dept head.
I hate thinking that favouritism plays a part in selection.
I hate not being picked for the course that i am more suitable for.
I hate that place being given to someone who does not merit the placement.

There are a lot of things i am becoming unsatisfied about at work and it bugs me that as the organization grows, people start losing sight of what is importance and politics come into play. I miss working in an environment where none of those things were important and though we were a small organization, everyone felt like part of a family. Except now, we aren't and management tried salvaging the old culture by organizing retreats. My question now is, exactly what culture are we trying to salvage? Do they know? Why do i have the feeling that it is an attempt to make one side conform to the other? Like my colleague said, i don't really need the job. I guess if i am required to play politics and do some serious ass-licking, i would just pack up and leave. But i will really miss the kids though.

Tomorrow is my performance appraisal.
Doesn't really worry me, unless they found out about me taking 2 hour lunches during the school holidays.
I am not expecting an "A" for appraisal
but if its anything lower than a "B" i'm gonna protest.
For once i just wish people can appreciate the energy and work i put into what i do.

A flurry of smses concluded my weekend.
Looking at other people's problems
problems of my own
and suddenly i wondered if the whole world has gone incredibly mad.
I feel like i am having a perpetual crick in my neck
from looking up into the sky
and nothing can work out the tension.
Suddenly, the burrow in the duvet looks mightily
inviting.
Except i can't be in there because i am needed out here.
I wish people would just be happy.

Somethings you can say and other things you can't.
For those things you can't, you can perhaps write.
But what if you can't write about it?
Then what?

Things are getting really chaotic at work now... at times seemingly dangerously close to everything falling apart. Unhappy sentiments seems to be surfacing all over the place, from teachers to parents. The students are acting up as well...

And now this thing about a colleague...

Man. I am bloody confused and feeling really uptight about every thing.
So much so that "I quit" is just hanging off the tip of my tongue, just waiting for the next wave to tip that over.

Perhaps i am just stressed.

Read this somewhere about relationship...

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the "i".

Did the MBTI on saturday and my profile is INTP. Well, i could be INFP too, since it was only a point difference between my thinking and feeling part.

He has been quite sick these couple of days.
I'm abit worried because usually when he falls sick, it lasts quite a while.
Hmm... Must ask my mom what he needs to eat again.

What a super duper short weekend!
Too much seemed to have happened and i am totally exhausted.

Whatever it is, i hoped that you are feeling better my dear...
Though as your friends, we know we can't do very much
but we hoped that things will resolve itself soon...

Hey!
It's friday the 13th!

Tomorrow is Valentine's day and I am spending it with 100 over people... at work.
There would be a survey in the morning in school which is compulsory as well as some trainers who would be conducting the MBTI personality test for the staff who hasn't done it. The profile would be used for our staff retreat. Whole thing expected to finish around 4pm. Doh. There goes my saturday. Not that it matters since he is away on reservist.

Had a real scare in the last couple of days but thank god it turned out fine. However, it did made me think through something quite personal and put some things into perspective for me. I can only say, i have never felt quite so peaceful in a while.

Attended another wake. This time, its my colleague's dad. She looked a little shellshock and confessed that if it wasn't for her aunt, she would have really gone down the deep end not knowing what to do. Despite being the oldest in the family (she has a younger brother), she is after all only in her twenties. I think it is such an ordeal for the living to say their goodbyes to their dearly departed. I think back to my own family and wonder how i would be able to live through that day when my parents passes on. It is a scary thought and not one i bear dwelling on. Sigh. I hope my colleague is okie after the cremation today.

Don't you know that i keep your bagful of misses right here in my heart?

The Wild Rose
Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf)


Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective.


Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Gentle Sex Master

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.


"You're never truly single as long as you have yourself."

ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor

CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail.

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla


GEEZ!
That sounded terrible.

The Odd Couple: A well-attended play with well-dressed people.

I have not attended a "straight" play for ages. By that i meant people acting as distinct characters, realistic sets, real time, yada, yada, yada... In other words, nothing that was quite so "Cheem" that require you to think about the methaphorical properties of a particular lampshade. After having overworked my brain on looking at the subtext of plays like Sand and a Distant Star, and the likes, I am a little confounded on the onset of The Odd Couple and more than once, had to readjust my brain to stop trying to think too deeply into the unsaid or unseen or symbolism and just concentrate on the wit and humor and the acting. After i changed my "mode" around, things gotten pretty much more enjoyable by the second act. I realized that watching a performance requires more that what is going on on stage as the audience is an integral part of the process in the enjoyment of the show. My cousin recited a fact about her boss who absolutely have no interest in anything related to the arts after declaring "I am not the arty-farty sort" and felt that such performances, regardless of its merits, are hardly enjoyable (perhaps even torturous). That in itself is quite ironical since he is in charge of the allocating of sponsorships to such artistic groups or productions, rightly by order of merits.

Well, back to the play. It is enjoyable and witty and funny but i have never been particularly fond or otherwise of such a genre. For some reasons, i prefer things to be less "accessible" unless if it was brilliantly witty. For example, I enjoyed ART! tremendously for its dead pan british humor and clever take on the topic of art. But I wouldn't say that The Odd Couple was quite like that though i can see its attraction for most audience and to be fair, the actors acted remarkably well (its the Adrian Pang as Felix version) despite some minor hiccups on the lines here and there. I guess i am just spolit by years of foreign art films and avant-garde theatre performances. Ah, but as i said, all i needed to do is just change my "mode" of perception a little and everything made sense again.

A short week that felt too long.

Haven't blogged in a bit because it has been terribly busy at work and play so that by the time i get home i am usually quite zonked out. Suddenly i realized that there are not more public holidays after Hari Raya Haji and it will be busy busy busy till my staff retreat in March which i am part of the organizing committee. On top of that, my performance appraisal is coming as well as various other sub-committees i am part of in school, and recently i just started a new kick boxing class. Other than monday which was a holiday, the only other day i got home at a decent time after work was wednesday. Tuesday i watched a movie. Thursday was kickboxing and dinner. Friday was dinner and watching The Odd Couple. I think i need to take leave just to relax after the retreat. Still, workwise, things are OK though a couple of parents had threatened to deregister their child (or perhaps have already done so) which made one of the programs a little topsy turvey for the moment. No biggie. All will straighten out eventually. Pity the HOP and Social worker having to deal with it though. Conducted a talk for some parents on behaviour management with my colleagues on friday and it was quite fun. I enjoy the feeling of being able to convey what i want to say to people successfully, a connection of sorts. It was heartening to see the parents contributing and affirming some of the points we have brought up in their own children. After that it was more or less a sharing session and before we knew it, we were invited to continue with another sharing session next week because we ran out of time on friday. Ah. A few more weeks like these and we would fly by 2004 right into 2005. Boy, despite being totally tuckered out most days, ironically, i felt quite energized mentally by having so many things happening (well, most of which i enjoyed, so that helped tremendously).

Caught Stan Lai's Sand and a Distant Star (Zai na yao yuan de xing qiu, yi li sa) starring TV's favourite taiwanese host Chang xiao yan, Ah liang and Ah ya, as well as well known theater director/action, Jin Shi Jie (from An Lian Tao Hua Yuan). It was a great play, despite being a little too long (2 1/2hr without intermission), about a street vendor Ye ying (Xiao Yan) who wavered between being sane and insane after her husband disappeared. She claimed that her husband has been abducted by aliens and would come back on Sept 5, 2003, 11.42pm though there has been news that he has abandon his wife and daughter for the last 20 years and remarried in Shanghai. As the day drew nearer, she became more awaken to the "reality" that perhaps her husband may never returned and contemplated going to look for him if he doesn't.

Her daughter, Guaiguai (Ah ya) thought that her mother was insane and was attempting to make a documentary on her with the help of her boyfriend Ah Gao, who came up with the idea of staging a reunion on Sept 5 by getting some actors to play the alien and missing husband and filming them.

Xiao Fan (Ah Liang) was another street vendor working alongside Ye Ping whose Vietnamese wife had ran away from him after he beaten her up. He searched the whole city for her with Ye Ping.

Lao Qian (Jin Shi Jie) was a rich drunkard who had abandoned his terminally ill wife in USA because he couldn't cope with watching her suffer.

Each and everyone had suffered loss in some ways either through disappearance, abandonment or death. Even the daughter was similiarly "abandoned" by her escapist mother who had created an "ideal" daughter in her own little world of aliens and a distant star called Penefere. In the end, everyone had a closure through laughter and tears: Lao Qian finally plucked up the courage to say "sorry" to his wife (in the form of Ye Ping as he acted the abducted husband in Ah Gao's scripted reunion), Xiao Fan finally saw his wife again, GuaiGuai finally understood and accepted her mother while Ye Ping finally "met" her husband in the final act and disappeared from Taipei after that.

As to whether Ye ying's husband was really abducted by aliens was secondary though the play resolved the issue by leaning rather heavily on the fact that the abduction was true when Guaiguai received a postcard sometime later (in the epilogue) from her mother, post dated from Penefere. It has a picture of her mother and someone who looked like her father looking happy together. A video played on the screen behind showed the two smiling before an alien bounced into the frame.

I thought that was really giving too much away and the epilogue was totally unnecessary. I would rather have Ye ying just disappeared after that surreal scene where her husband apparently came back from another planet for a short visit. Everyone acted well, esp Chang Xiao Yan, in her portrayal of an escapist woman and her relationship with her daughter actually made me teared a few times as they attempted to come to terms with each other. Ah ya was mavellous as her daughter(s) - alternating between the rebellious "real" daughter and the ideal "fake" daughter. Jin Shi Jie as the drunkard Lao Qian brought a poignancy to a middle-aged "macho" man who was tortured by the sight of his wife dying as well as his abandonment of her in the hospital. Even Ah Liang's typical earthy humour (akin to his comic hosting style on tv) showed a vulnerable side in his search for his wife which made the audience feel for him.

After the play, we had the chance to stay for another 1/2 hour as the director and actors shared their experience with the audience and answered some questions. I really enjoyed myself despite my cold and recommend anyone to go watch it though it has ended its run today (only 2 shows, on the 31st and 1st of feb).

Down with flu in the last couple of days but finally dragged myself to the doctor's on friday afternoon. In any case, it was anything really serious just a block nose and sore throat. While i was at the doctor's, i decided to ask about hepA & B vaccination and was told that i would need a blood test to see if i have any immunity against hepatitis. Since i was there, i thought might as well get one done. Just as the doctor was able to draw some blood from my right arm, i warned him that it was notoriously difficult to draw any blood from my arm from previous experiences and i usually ended up with bruises. My doctor laughingly told me that all it takes is experience and it is really easy to do it if you know how. Well... after warning me that it may feel a little painful as he pushed the needle in (i assured him i am quite ok coping with pain), he proceeded to explain to me that he could feel a big vein in my arm and told me how it wasn't a problem finding it. So imagine his surprise when he drew back the syringe and nothing came out. I was trying not to laugh as he continued to looked perplexed and continued to "poke" around with the needle at various angles in his attempts to draw my blood. I had to ask him finally if it was really a vein he was poking at which he told me fairly confidently that it felt like one, to which i replied "It must be a fake one then since it doesn't have any blood in it". It took several minutes before he finally took the needle out in defeat. I couldn't help but smile and when he saw me smiling, he looked alittle embarrassed and muttered something like "You don't look surprised" which of course i wasn't. In any case, he became more serious (and less cocksure) when he attempted the same thing with my left arm and finally succeeded. After that i think we both had a good laugh about my "fake vein" (he suspect must a tendon in any case) and he half-seriously told me to warn any doctors who may attempt to draw blood out from me to try with my left arm and never my right.

So much for the long weekend.
Blink and you might just missed it.
Now onward to the monday holiday
or as one would call it, the HRHH (i.e. hari raya haji holiday).

fluttering slips of
yellow paper set my heart
a-fluttering too

water waterfall
water falling water fall
waterfall falling

Hmmm... haiku for a 10 year-old.

In a bed made for two
I can curl up like an island
in a sea of silky cream
or
sleep with my arms spread wide
hugging a world of dreams.

In a bed made for two
I can toss and turn
uninterrupted and free
or
jump and break some springs.
Who cares? Not me.

In a bed made for two
I can surround myself with
an army of cushions
or
sweep it clear as i lay
in various odd contortions.

In a bed made for two
I can create deep soft burrows
for the cat
or
kick him off though
he wouldn't like that.

But do you want to know what's cool
about this bed made for two?
It is really, really all i want,
for it's a bed meant for one.

Long disturbing dream throughout the night that i would be late for work today which not surprisingly made me toss and turn in fear and resulted in me not being late but instead, woke up way too early.

It is a start to a horrible monday.
I just know it.
Rub eyes.
Yawns.

Totally forgotten the 4 digit code on my bicycle lock and have misplaced the slip of paper with the code written on it. Good thing is, i have not locked the wheel but the bad news it, the lock shall remain on the bicycle shaft until i remember the code like a piece of redundant jewellery. Bought the lock in japan and i remembered trying to find one with the easiest to remember code. Well, a load of good that did. I have a vague memory of it and spent the last half hour trying various combinations without avail. I am so tempted to just cut the lock and be done with it. Yet i am not prepared to do that, it being bought in japan (well, i guess it is sort of a gift) and all. Sigh. Well, since it is not exactly in the way and i am in no hurry to get rid of it, i guess i shall just leave it and try one combination a day. I am sure one day it will be opened.

Hmm.. how many permutations would that be then? 4 different digits from 1 to 6 excluding the obviously incorrect ones such as 1111 to 6666... i guess there are still alot of combinations to try. I am quite sure it starts with 5 though. Ah well.

It rained and it rained in the past two days. I wonder why does it always rain when its the lunar new year. In any case, that didn't stop me from going out and joining some jc classmates for a steamboat at one of girl's house. We bought the ingrediants in the nearby shopping centre but had to be ferried across the road by her husband in his car because it was raining cats and dogs. And so it remained, raining till we had to leave a few hours later. It wasn't easy calling for a cab in that weather, not to mentioned that we needed 3 cabs between the 6 of us leaving. It was a great evening despite the rain though. My classmate's two daughters were really cute and the older one was just at the age (going to turn 3) where she enjoyed babbling to all the "aunties" and "uncles" crowded around her while the younger one was trying to crawl around our feet. It is easy to see how having children has suddenly turned one of the most playful of our classmates into a responsible young mother. As the rest of us "singletons" were bitching about work and laughing about naughty stories (a particular joey from the army days and whether transsexual experience "sexual pleasures" from their new organs), our young mother was busy running around her children, putting one to sleep and making sure the other didn't have food dribbling down her shirt. Her husband was similarly occupied while the rest of us continued making a ruckus in the kitchen as one of our more "culinary-challenged" classmates tried her hand in putting together packaged tang yuan and canned peanut soup. I never laughed so much in a class gathering.

It is great to be back in the loop again and we are already talking about having another in march as there are a couple of us having our birthdays then. Given that i am the one who is staying alone (well, sort of), we are tentatively having a sleep-over at my place during the march holidays. I guess i am "it" for coordinating this one. *grins* It is nice that everyone is so "on" about meeting up together and doing things despite us pursuing pretty much different things in life. I didn't think at first that people would want to meet up in a semi-regular mode but when this next gathering was proposed, everyone said they can make it (hopefully). I know i would tried to make it happen for one. I don't know about the others, but for me, despite having other friends and things to do, i suddenly realized that i am happy to be back in this ex-classmates circle again. And even though it has been ten years and everyone has sort of grown, a hard to describe sense of familiarity and comfort remains when i am with them. I feel like i am sort of detached from my daily life when i immerse in this circle with them and its a protective covering against time for a short while. It is not like i went back in time but that we sat outside time for the short period while we are together before jumping back into the time stream once we got into our individual cabs.

I am not sure if i am describing it very well. Needless to say, i am happy and strangely contented.

Bits and Pieces of a lethagic brain

I don't know if each year the holidays just loses it's meaning a little by little or that i am getting older and older hence rapidly losing interest or excitement.

My brother just asked me if it was him or are the shows on tv just gotten unbearably boring.

It rained on the 2nd day of chinese lunar new year and i have just finished watching The Flame of Recca on my new dvd player.

Mom's cooking still taste as fantastic as ever but i can't really enjoy them, being ever conscious of my weight.

Dad took my bike out for a spin and i don't remember seeing him ride on the bicycle.

New car doesn't exactly purr like a kitten but its close enough.

The cat pooped on my bed after i changed its cat food.

I think he is right, i do treat my friends better.

Doing nothing all day makes me feel like snacking.

Rain stopped and i think i will try go for a spin.

Brother leaving on the 8pm flight which means dinner tonight will be early.

Suddenly, i have an urge for tang yuan.

Have to blog this rather than keep adding onto the comments for the post below...


Just as anyone would try to empathize with the child or the parents or the teachers or therapists...

bottomline for me is.. i will always stand on the side of the child.

Though that is not to say that i cannot understand the problems teachers have becos i worked with so many and more often than not, we try as much to solve these problems as we go along.. such has providing appropriate training in handling the behaviour, consulting with them, preparing the materials.. and yes occasionally even have to clean up the shit and drool when the teachers are so tied down by other children...

i have been spat at, kicked, scratched, pushed and tripped too... so i know how frustrating it can be especially when you cannot react. But one thing to remember is to never take it personally. That was what i found out on my very first day at work and had a child spat in my face. If they can help themselves, why would they need us in the first place?

Actually, there are alot of teachers i enjoyed working with and all of them are patient, kind and strong in their own ways. From them, i saw a selfless part of humanity that you don't always see and they never asked to be commended or rewarded. You can see true joy when they teach their students regardless of "progress".

But ultimately if their hearts is not for helping the child and just being too concerned about getting their hands dirtied or having the child "fit" into "THEIR" system or comfort zone.. then i am sorry because i really have limited patience for people like that.

Did i mentioned that i am dogmatic in my own way too?

I don't profess to know more than some teachers teaching in my school. Truth to be told, i have learnt a lot from some of them, but forgive me if said, i really cannot fathom, for the life of me, what i can learn from teachers who advocate "CONTROL" to a bunch of 6 year-olds children with autism.

Yes, CONTROL. With bright bold letters written on the board, CONTROL is number 8 on the list of rules these children has to follow apart from the usual class rules of "sit nicely" and "listen to teacher".

What the heck is CONTROL suppose to mean? Bladder control? Bowel control? What? Does it mean if you wiggle your fingers, twitch your toe, that meant you are not CONTROLling yourself? No talking. No sitting out of your hoops. No playing with your buttons. No fidgeting. No looking around the room. Sit straight. Cross your legs. Eyes front. Quiet. Listen. Roll over and play dead.

There has got to be a better way.

For god sakes! They are only 6! How many CONTROLLED 6 year-olds do you know? I have seen 26 year-olds having problem controlling themselves at times too. These children are already autistic and does not possess a "normative" ability to "have fun" from their lack of social and communication skills. And you want them to be more CONTROLled? Follow certain subtle social rules such as waiting for another person to finish before talking, giving eye contact and listening... well, yes! But CONTROL? Is that normal? Do you expect that of YOUR children? Total rigidity and CONTROL 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?

Whenever we take these children out for group therapy session (teaching basic social and pragmatic skills), they always look so... anxious initially. Like they have no idea what they CAN do or what is allowed. But they can have fun too when they are more relaxed! But in their classroom where CONTROL is the key, how does one relax?

Another class, another group of children with autism, same age and just as bright.

They are by no means CONTROLled but god, do they have fun! So much laugher and smiles whenever i see them as they are doing art and craft, playing games or even doing a lion dance for CNY. Sure, none are exactly sitting without fidgeting, or listening all the time or staring straight ahead but they are hardly destructive and "wild" like animals to warrant CONTROL waving at their noses.

There are lessons to be learnt where i work with these wonderfully sweet yet innocently flawed children... But CONTROL will never be one of them.

Happy CNY... :)

Where can i find the dream dealer?
I would like to sell some memories.

There are things you miss once you lost them.

The exit came up on the freeway a while back and i've already missed it.
There is not other way but just keep driving.

One of my oldest friend (okie, old in terms of the years we have known each other, not as in she is very old) got married today. Both she and her husband are doctors, hence it is no surprise that the wedding banquet is filled with doctors. Very formal dinner, where i hardly knew anyone. Not sure if i am comfortable there but i am very, very happy for her. :)

Attended one of the programs for Wordfeast, Poetry in the flesh
and met one of my old classmate from first 3 months of JC.

Seems like the last two months i have been meeting a lot of people in my past.

The coffee was brewing for a bit and was left simmering.
After a while it turned cold.
Now i think i rather have green tea.

Now that my parents know everything that had happened between me and him, i felt slightly more relieve even though i was initially quite unhappy that he told my mom. I don't know why i never told my parents myself, probably trying not to worry them, trying to stop them from nagging about it, worried to disappoint them if i am not living a happy life, and more importantly, not wanting them to have negative thoughts about him despite all that has happened.

Yet, it was okie when they knew.

Perhaps i have grown up alittle in their eyes.
Perhaps they are more conscious about how i feel.
At the very least, they have stopped urging me to get married and realized that i should be happy first and foremost.

You know what?
I think i should be happy first and foremost too.

After a whirlwind weekend, my parents have came home and now left again for KL, leaving me reeling in shock. It never failed to surprise me how much they can get done in a day and then disappear the next.

Case in point: We got ourselves a new car.

I have still not caught up with them yet and i think if i pinch myself really, really hard, i might just wake up from the dream.

Oh well.. congratulate me...
i have officially received an official speeding ticket for every single country i have ever driven in.
Well, with the exception of Malaysia maybe... since you can always "replace" a ticket with "coffee money".

Yaps!
Got a ticket for speeding at tasmania.
Woo hoo.

Reading about dreams and suddenly i remembered about the strange dream i had a week ago. It was an undetermined place and time, and everyone in my dream was talking to me in french (or what i assumed to be french) despite me not understanding a word of it. Strangely, everyone looked asian and did not realize that i have no idea what was being said. Hence it went on and on, and i became increasingly frustrated.

The Gatsby advert never fail to make me laugh.
Ya, the one with the silly man in purple singing in japanese before turning into a singing skeleton.
And who can forget the "If you are happy, clap your hair" one.
It is just so silly!
Well, in a cute (ugly but adorable) way.

I think festive has stop being in my repetoire of feelings.

Dec 31, 2003

You know, each year as new year's eve comes around the corner, you keep hoping that something will change or something will improve. You go out, have fun, drink lots of alcohol, shout, dance, sweat, push your way through throngs of people, gather your friends together, toast each other, sing, laugh, jump, count down at midnight... and hope to wake up the next morning finding everything has become brighter, more cheerful, happier or just plain different. Expecting a change in the people around you, the environment around you, change inside you. Expecting that you can really start afresh, wipe the slate clean and emerge virginal once more, pure and simple. You have made more resolutions and expected to keep them finally, this year would be THE year. It has to be. With a blind optimism, you rejoiced the passing of one year and accept the coming of the next with forced cheer and alcohol-induced happiness with a group of like-minded friends. Trying to gather strenght and support to step through the threshold of another year through sheer numbers. Or sometimes, just having a wary resignation for the years that had bulldozed through your life and yet, managing to stick a smile on your face and make yourself believe that perhaps, this year it would be a kinder and gentler year. Perhaps it would be. It has to be. Till you find yourself facing another new year's eve. Another new year's party. Another gathering with friends. Another round of drinks. Another round of toasts. Another year.

I wanted none of that this year.

Saturday

Was invited by angie to a bbq/chalet in changi with tons of people i don't really know very well. There were lots of food and drinks (mostly alcoholic by the looks of the icebox and fridge), and the people were quite nice to be with in general though i have not spoken to most before. Couple of them were from the sausage party at my house two months ago (holy cow, has it been so long?), and it was great to meet up with them again. However, the most interesting thing that happened (other than the guy that went around toasting other with a lethal bowl of vodka/sprite), was when my friend angie introduced me to one of the girls at the bbq. Turned out that she sort of recognized me and later we found that we were in the same class for first 3 mths in ACJC after she told me her name. Small world. What was even more freaky was when i asked her what was she doing and she said, "fencing mostly", suddenly tiny clogs and bolts in my brain clicked (in a nanosec) and i burst out with "OH MY GOD! You are the UStravelmate! (courtesy of Vaya's blog)". The amazing thing was, while at tea with B12 and snow that very afternoon, her name had came up during our conversations (involving NYD, greenbean soup). While her name was quite unique, it was her occupation that really stood out. So when we met at the bbq, it was like six degree of separation all over again, but even more freaky. Like i said, small world. Anyway, the rest of the evening was fun, especially those people from the sausage party who stayed till quite late as well. Finally crawled home around 230 after flinching a bottle of archer's and baileys (ermm.. as nudged by angie) for our next party.

Hmm.. pasta party anyone? :)

2003 was an uneventful year.
It is hard to compare it from the year before that.
Better?
Worse?
I think for different years i've contented with different things.
Last year, i found out more about myself.
I reached out and connected with more people, other than those in my comfort zone.
I did my job the best that i can and enjoyed what i've done.
For most part, i tried to be a good friend to the few good friends i have, though i know i may have failed for some.
I tried to pick myself up from my "failures" of 2002, in some ways i have succeed but i know in many ways, i have not.
My family were still far away in different places, but were never far from my thoughts.
Finally, towards the end of the year, i've decided to face up to the facts and not be a slave to memories.

My colleague said, the difference between 2003 and 2004 is only one second.
Yet, a small step to me seems quite so immense to take, even its only across one second.

Even when the step is taken into a new year.
So what?
This side of the year looks quite the same as the side i just stepped through.
I think i should give it some time.

I know i didn't do it very well...
But how else could i have said it?
That i wanted to walk through the threshold to a new year alone, and not with you?
I would just bring over, to the new year, what should be important.
My self (and yes, perhaps my cat).

After that, i started the new year with what i really wanted: to sleep peacefully without dreams.
Not that the crossing over had been easy, a phonecall, chit-chatting with friend made it easier.
Making the passing of year to year hardly noticible.
For that i thank you.

Happy new year everyone...